Marluxia's Dating Advice
by A.D. Williams
Summary: So Marly thinks he's figured out everything that needs to be known about dating and would like to share his findings with us. That's fine. Except...Marluxia actually can't seem to follow his own tips!


I honestly never intended for this to just be a MarVex thing. But once I finished the first rule, I decided to make it just that. I know it's not everyone's favorite pairing and I've done quite a few things for them this year already, but meh, I like Marly and so I decided to feature him here. Hope you guys enjoy it!

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Rules Were Made to be Broken!**

When most think of me, usually my impeccable taste in fashion and hairstyle comes to mind. But there's actually much more to me than just my awesome trendy clothes or my gloriously glossy hair. While helping a client, I'm often asked about how to attract a person that they're interested in. Well, now that my styling days in the public have come to a standstill due to becoming a Nobody, the same is happening around this Organization. I'm not going to lie and say that the upsurge of male on male desires doesn't make me (read: excited) a bit worried, but simply…unsurprised. Twelve men…sorry, _eleven _men, one boy, one woman and two little girls are all there are to choose from. This was actually to be expected.

So, to answer all of the questions, I've decided to compile a quick report on my own tactics to ensure that they indeed do work. I will be using Vexen as a main study. I cannot explain my amusement with Vexen except that…Four is just an amusing specimen. Never mind, you'd have to be a person with an artists' eye for real beauty and understanding of the world to realize and see what I can see. Foolish me for expecting _you _to be such a person.

But no matter. Here are a few rules to dating that everyone should get memorized. And no, that is not to quote Eight either.

~.~.~.~.~

**Rule #1: Don't Be Too Obvious When Checking a Person Out**

"Is there any reason why you keep staring at me like that, Eleven?" Vexen asked him as he held up a beaker to check its contents. "Further more, you actually just burst into my lab and have been staring at me for the past half hour. Is there something that you want?"

"You," Marluxia muttered quietly.

"Sorry, didn't catch that," Vexen told him.

"Food," Marluxia said louder.

"The kitchen is on the third floor. Not in the basement."

"Oh. My bad." Marluxia still didn't move.

"Eleven! Leave!" Vexen pointed to the door.

Marluxia never actually faced the door as he left, but instead just backed up to the exit and kept his eyes on the man. When he reached the door, he silently pulled it in front of him and the last thing Vexen saw was the creepy fixated stare that Marluxia was still giving him before the door fully closed. Vexen shuddered at the incident before shaking it off and continuing his studying.

**Rule #2: Flirt Like a Pro, Not Like a Hoe**

Marluxia decided to pay Vexen a visit a few weeks later. He announced his presence via a major shower of rose petals emitting from his dark vortex much sooner than he himself appeared. When he finally did decide to step into the room, he paused for effect and tossed his layered hair over his shoulder with a dainty flick.

With a strut meant for a runway, he made his way over to a lab table and decided to examine one of the samples on a glass slide sitting under a microscope. He gave a leisurely stretch, making sure to turn far to this side and that, drawing it out as long as he dared…which for him, was several long minutes. When he felt he had done that enough, he bent over sensuously and looked into the scope, ensuring that he swayed his bottom back and forth as he did so. After only taking a very, very brief peek, he looked over his shoulder with lidded eyes, making sure to part his lips ever so slightly to make them seem pouty. His finger twirled one strand of his hair, causing even more petals to litter the tabletop. Once he was assured that his pose was perfect, he looked fully around the room…to spot—

"Vexen's not here," Zexion told him, standing with his arms crossed and giving him a disapproving glare.

Marluxia immediately stood back up, and nervously brushed the petals away. "Oh. Er, sorry you had to see that, my boy." Walking in a much more normal way, he left back out of the room.

**Rule #3: Respect Your Interests' Personal Space**

Vexen tried to last as long as he could without saying anything, hoping Eleven would realize his mistake on his own. When he never addressed it, he felt he'd held his tongue long enough.

"Why, of all the places to sit here, have you decided to try to squeeze yourself into this armchair with me?"

"Caring is sharing," Marluxia only said, but never offered to move.

"And moving is ensuring you live to see another day!" Vexen snapped. He tried to get up, but Marluxia's body was keeping him wedged there against the arm of the chair.

Marluxia had been staring pointedly ahead of him, but now he slowly turned his head to the scientist, an unreadable smile spreading on his face…

"Guess we're going to be here for awhile, aren't we?" he said in an eerie voice.

**Rule #4: Don't Be Afraid to Be Romantic**

"Acho!"

"Bless you!"

"Marluxia, what did you have to tell me that couldn't be told in the sanctity of indoors, away from your garden?"

"Dinner!" Marluxia said, and pulled the silver top off of the plate on the table. He had set up things for them to eat outside in the garden he himself grew. Every flower imaginable was there, and many of them grew to form different figures such as cherubs, or a dolphin. One of himself sitting in the classic Thinker pose resided in a corner.

Vexen sneezed again and rubbed tears from his runny eyes. "I have allergies, damnit! The cloying smells of your precious plants are messing with my sinuses!"

Marluxia didn't much appreciate the way the man was talking down about his beauties and figured he'd best hurry things along. "Well then, I've made a gift for you. Gentlemen, if you could be so kind?"

He gestured to the opposite end of the garden and there puny Zexion and Roxas struggled to drag something by a handle. Lexaeus was standing by and with a tired sigh, he basically pushed both of them out of the way and lifted up the cart. With it raised so high in the air, Vexen couldn't see what it was until the man walked over and set it down quite gently on the ground again. The object easily must've weighed more than eighty pounds (yes, Roxas and Zexion are quite weak) but he lifted it over his head as though it were nothing.

And what was the item, you ask? Oh, just a simple hedge cutting of Vexen who was clearly wearing absolutely nothing except for a fig leaf to cover the unmentionables.

When the real Vexen saw this, he gave Marluxia an incredulous stare, and then shot out a quick blast of ice at the figure. It spread to cover all of it and when Vexen clenched his fist closed, the entire structure also shattered to pieces. Standing up, he threw his napkin down on the table before stomping away.

"Hey! That took me forever to get perfect!" Marluxia yelled after him. With a groan he said, "Great, now who am I going to hire to clean all of this up? When the ice melts, that won't make the leaves and branches disappear." He turned back to the corner of the garden where Roxas and Zexion still lay on the ground panting. Once they noticed him staring, Zexion sat up and quickly tapped Roxas on the shoulder to get his attention too. Without trying to be discreet about it, they turned and fled from the scene.

Marluxia looked around for Lexaeus, but the man was much quicker to leave then the other two were. "It's hard to find good servants around here," he sighed.

**Rule #5: Be Classy When Getting Intimate**

"Fuck me, and fuck me now!" Marluxia screamed, slamming Vexen on a table.

**Rule #6: If Rejected, Behave Maturely**

"Why doesn't he love me!" Marluxia wailed, throwing his face in his hands as he sobbed.

"Er, there, there now…" Demyx muttered uncomfortably. Marluxia had burst into his room only because he was the only one left at the castle this day and just _had _to have someone to tell his woes to. "He likes you…um…I guess." He had no idea who the hell Eleven was even talking about. Now the man had his face in his lap and was crying theatrically in a way that no grown man should be doing. Unless (as Demyx suspected) he was just acting this way for drama's sake.

"I gave him everything!" Marluxia went on. "I gave him my soul! How dare he throw it all back in my face? How dare he!"

"Yes, how dare he indeed," Demyx mumbled, eyes rolled to the side.

"That's fine…whatever. This makes no difference to me," Marluxia sniffed. He stood up and left out the room again without so much as a backward glance.

"You're welcome!" Demyx shouted, but of course he was ignored.

**Rule #7:** **Understand That When a Relationship is Over, It's Over**

"Veeeexeeeeen! I LOVE you! We're meant to be together! We're like, roses and lilacs, we go together!"

Vexen threw open his bedroom window and peered down into the darkness. There, way below on one of the outer walkways was Marluxia.

"It is three in the morning, Eleven! Some people are trying to sleep!"

"Wait! I wrote a song for you!" Marluxia dug a piece of paper out of his pocket, then cleared his voice a bit. "_Baby, baby, baby ohh! Like, baby, baby, baby noo! Like baby, baby, baby ohhh! I thought you'd always be mine! And I'm like baby—" _

Another window was thrown open and Xaldin stuck his head out screaming "Shut the FUCK up! You are not about to keep me awake by singing Justin Bieber!"

Two more windows opened up and Namine and Xion stuck their heads out. "Keep going, Marluxia! You sound great!"

And Vexen simply slammed his window shut and threw the curtain over it.

**Rule #8: Always Know That There Are Other Fish in the Sea**

"Come on, Mar, what the hell did you see in that old guy anyways?" Larxene asked him one day as they were having a few drinks at the castle's own bar. Well, she had a few drinks. Marluxia on the other hand was now more drunk than Luxord and that's saying something.

"He's not old! He's well seasoned! Like a beautiful sunflower that managed to stay radiant after the long rays of summer have come and gone and the blush of spring has come again—"

"Yeah, I didn't ask for all the gay poetry," Larxene cut him off. "Look, you're a young guy. You shouldn't be wasting your time on Stonehenge when you can have something much newer and fresh like…um…the newest iPhone!"

In his drunken stupor, Marluxia frowned down at his hands for a moment. "Did you really just compare the iPhone to Stonehenge? Did I hear that correctly?"

She rolled her eyes. "Whatever. You get the picture. He's old. He's likely to die in a few months. He's probably collecting his last few retirement checks as we speak. Not too long, he'll be a stiff corpse, dead on his lab floor and clutching one of his beloved test tubes with a boner from just the thought of science—"

The rest of her speech was drowned out as a bar fight broke out between Xemnas and Saix. Axel, Xigbar and Xaldin cheered them on.

Marluxia tipped back another drink, then slammed the glass on the counter and told Zexion to hit him with another one. "Not sure I should…" the boy said, looking at his glassed-over eyes. "When you're more intoxicated than Luxord, that's dangerous."

"Bloody hell, why am I the standard?" Luxord shouted at him. Then he hiccupped and chuckled. "I actually do quite well for me self when I'm wasted."

Anyone that knew Luxord actually couldn't argue with this.

"Alright, but that's you. You're…not normal," Zexion told him. "For the rest of us that need to be sober to function, we need to keep our alcohol content down to a minimum." He turned back to Eleven and shook his head at him. "Sorry Marluxia, the bar is closed for you."

The man gave a frustrated cry, then turned in his seat to look behind him as the crowd began to laugh and give catcalls to someone. Xemnas and Saix's fight had turned into a passionate make-out session on the floor.

Marluxia gave a pathetic wail and buried his face in his arms to cry some more.

**Rule #9: It's Never Too Late To Find Love!**

The Academic was trying to hurry to his office for a quick analysis of the new Nobodies the Superior had asked for to be under their control. Open in front of him was a folder and his eyes rushed to check over his current readings to ensure that they were correct. What he failed to notice was the object lying in the middle of the floor and thus he tripped and sprawled to the ground with his papers flying everywhere.

When he was able to sit back up, he noticed that what he'd so nicely tripped over was Marluxia. The man was sitting beside a pillow as well. "Did you…camp out in front of my laboratory?" Vexen asked with a raised eyebrow.

Marluxia shrugged. "It was the only way to ensure you would notice me."

"I'll say," Vexen muttered. "Look Eleven, I'm really in a rush. I don't have time for any of your foolishness." He scrambled to pick back up his papers and then fumbled around for something else. "Glasses, glasses…where did I drop them?"

Marluxia found them first, then put the lightweight frames on his face. Suddenly he gave a breathless gasp, then smirked. "Anyone tell you, you look kinda sexy with glasses?"

Vexen flushed with anger, yelling "Where the hell did you get such a preposterous thing?" but then the anger turned to flattery and he mumbled, "R-really?"

The younger man stood up and helped the scientist to his feet as well. To see them, you'd think Vexen were the younger one, blushing as he was as Marluxia smiled down on him. "_I _think so," he said as confirmation to his statement. He gave him a very quick peck on the cheek and in a whirl of air, he was gone.

Vexen continued to stand in a daze with a hand on his face, currently forgetting just why he was in such a hurry.

**Rule #10: Never Forget to Cherish What You've Got**

"Aahh, that wasn't so bad, now was it?" Marluxia smiled happily as he yawned and stretched.

"Humph! Speak for yourself. You topped," Vexen grumbled. Very slowly he turned over on his side, wincing from the literal pain in his ass.

"Shut up, you loved it," Marluxia said with an arrogant smirk. Vexen was just about to roll away from him out of the bed when he reached over and grabbed him. "Hey…let's do it again." He showed a canine with his mischievous grin.

"Eleven, I'm exhausted. We were at it for two hours and I actually need to get back to my—"

Marluxia didn't wait for him to finish, and just threw the covers over their heads as he began kissing him all over.

~.~.~.~.~

And so, if you follow all of these rules, you're bound to have a successful and fulfilling relationship. I mean, I'm an expert at this sort of thing. Unlike _you. _

Now go off and find your love, like the seed of a poppy carried on the breeze until it comes to rest in the rich earth that nourishes it until it grows into a marvelous bloom. Find love and blossom!

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This reminds me that I really need to write Marluxia's maintenance manual. Bleh, procrastination, xD!

Reviews please!


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